Today... I ask for any and all prayers... Any and all advice. I don't even know what all to write. This year I thought the worse thing to happen to me would be my dh having cancer... And trying to find out where all he has it. We go next week for the testing that shows that.
Something else has happened now that has robbed me of every memory ... I don't know how to deal with it. It involved the dd... But wow there is so much ... And so bad. It has rocked my soul... And left me feeling 22 years was all for nothing... That the relationship I thought we had such a close relationship... I guess we didn't... Now I am left feeling like everything was a joke... Vacations... Retreats... Small trips... Stitching together... Zoo visits... Camping trips... Game nights... Everything... I feel like a complete failure as a mom... And see that the morales or family values I have taught her meant nothing... I don't even feel I am alive... I am so worried about her. I had hoped for so much... Had planned so many trips... We had a surprise trip and was working the arrangements for Florida out... So she would have these memories with her daughter... I had made reservations for ur for a hotel for a test she is taking that was about 45 mins away. I had called around to find a good massage place for the day before... Had planned a nice lucky dinner the night before and celebratory dinner for after... Had to cancel it all. This is the way I know to be a good mom... To treat her special just like she is in my heart... She is so special... I thought she was my best friend and would be forever... Now she is staying with a boys mom listening to what they say... And won't even talk to us... I can't force her to remember the fun... The late nights of laughing... The jokes... The retreats and trips... The booger cup moments... The u stole my punk in whiskey .. The hugs... The I love you mom... I can't force her to see us as good and protective and see our intentions are to love. She committed to help me with my arm... Now I have injured my arm and mite have to have more done to it. I am hurting... On the inside more than the outside. I guess I soon have to start to box her things so I can get on with my life... She is pushing this to happen... Solely because I just can't live my life looking at them... Knowing I was not good enough and was not the mom she wants. I just thought I was being such a good "mamma".... She has always been so cool... Such a sweet baby girl... And now she is just cold... And thinking we are less than what she wants. I just always tried so hard to be a good mom... I would die for her... I would take her pain... I fought for her miss treatment over the years... I was so proud of her and what she had accomplished. I thought she was strong and responsible... And wanted to focus on her school to make a good future... I fear and have a feeling that was for nothing. She would make such a good RN too... This all done for a boy that from what she has told us and his mom tells my mom... Does not want her... He has a new girl and he loves her. I am being told She said he was talking his life is with the other girl... Not my dd. What a shame. I have tried and tried to understand all of this.
I have lost my want to stitch... To do anything that involved the wonderful memories of the past...because it just makes me want to cry. I just hurt so bad... And am so scared for her... She is mixed up in a bad group...and we are told that bad things are about to happen with them. But she unfortunately is trusting everything they say even when the officials tell her differently.
Thank you for listening... I have tried so hard to be a good mom... But instead I have been useless... I guess Nothing has meant anything. That seem so sad...And i try so hard to not be angry.
I guess i am just useless.
Have a good day stitching thank you again for listening.